See Haywire (SPOILERS AHEAD)

I saw this movie a couple months ago in theaters, wrote this review and then... never posted it? Whoops! But, dudes, it came out on blue-ray/DVD/what-have-you this month and is so good, so I'm posting this now:

I heard through twitter that there was this movie starring Gina Carano, who I had never heard of, and that I needed to see it. Basically, instead of finding a gorgeous, wafer-thin, actress for me to pretend is an action star, they got a gorgeous action star for me to pretend is an actress. (See Jean Claude Van Damme for the male equivalent.) I generally like goofy action movies and really love action movies that star women. (As a side note, if you haven't already, go see Salt too - so good! As, really, I believe wafer-thin Angelina Jolie is a brilliant spy who can shoot a gun any day of the week, plus SHE TAKES OFF HER GORRAM HEELS BEFORE RUNNING DOWN A FLIGTH OF STEPS!!!! Finally. Some realism in my goofy action movies!) So, some friends and I caught a Sunday matinee while Boybee was busy. My thoughts and spoilers follow:


OMG. SO FLIPPIN' GOOD.

First off, for all that the plot is your standard 'spy is set up and disavowed so now must go rogue to figure out what happened and save the world' sort of plot, it's told in a non-linear narrative that makes it interesting. We find out what's going on as our heroine finds out, but not in the bad-guy-tells-all sort of way (though there is a little of that), more in the Gina-Carano-beats-up-a-bunch-of-famous-people way, which is way more interesting.

Like, when I say she beats up a bunch of famous people, I mean, she beats them up. Hard. Hand to hand  and man, I would not want to be them. In the opening sequence, this guy shows up to "bring her in," and throws hot coffee in her face before taking her on - it looks like a DV situation and Random Bystander Guy jumps into the fray to pull the guy off of her. Then, after Bystander Guy gets thrown off she grabs the guy's gun, beats the crap out of him, and takes Bystander Guy with her as she drives off (while driving she shows Bystander Guy how to bandage the gun shot graze on her arm - how sweet it that?!).  And this is the first five minutes of the movie.

Second, not only are the action sequences awesome, I actually believe that Gina Carano can do this stuff - and SHE CAN. It's ridiculous that I have to say this, but while she is in absolutely amazing shape, Gina Carano looks like a normal (albeit hot and in shape) person. I was not once distracted by her body, only in absolute awe of it and what she could do with it. How many actresses in major motion pictures have bodies that look like those of people you know? Yeah, they're prettier/in better shape, but really no one you just see walking down the street looks anything like most of the women on any given red carpet*. But Gina Carano? I know women athletes who have bodies like hers, because she is an athlete! Yeah, she's still prettier and in way better shape than the vast majority of people I know, but in a believable way. I look at her and think, if I devoted my life to kicking ass that's how I would look. It's a sad commentary on movies that I am so excited about the fact that the actor cast to play someone who kicks asses for a living looks like a person who kicks asses for a living. This isn't a problem for Jason Statham.

The big problem I had with this movie? The Bechdel Test. This movie fails it pretty hard. Gina Carano's character is the only named female character (I think she's the only woman shown in the whole movie actually...) and that's just sad.

I really wish that the idiots in Hollywood who fund the making of movies would make me some more movies about women kicking asses. I want there to be so many movies featuring women kicking asses that they're no longer a novelty. I also want those people to make movies about women doing other, non-ass-kicking things that are not getting married. Dudes, I got married this one time. I fell in love with Boybee and we were compatable and decided that we would make good life partners so we got engaged. It was stressful to throw a Once-in-a-Lifetime party for 150 people, but we did it. Now we are married. The end. That's not exciting! What's exciting is spies and superheros and aliens! What's exciting is battling poverty and hate and politics to make the world a better place! Complex social realtionships are exciting - the "Do you like me? Check Yes or No" bullshit of most movies that feature women is just not that exciting. I want to pay money to watch beautiful people do exciting, funny, dramatic, and awesome things - getting married and having babies (while pretty darn cool) are not all that exciting. Ass kicking is, so go see Haywire.

*This really is a woman thing - yeah, man actors are hotter than real people too, but they're not expected to maintain the ridiculous Thor-physique all year round like how we except women actors to maintain the ridiculous skin-and-bones-plus-curves physiques that are ubiquitous in Hollywood.