The Art of Asking

This week, I have been looking to Amanda Palmer for reassurance. Boybee is out of town and both Beebabies are sick (Boybee and I are too, but who's counting?). I had been freaking out about how I was going to handle a toddler and a newborn by myself for a week and Boybee basically had to force me to call my family in for help, and thank God he did.

I hate asking for help. The other night as I was sitting there with my screaming baby in the ER, not having slept at all in the past 24 hours, the doctor said that we could go home or be admitted observation for 24 hours. Immediately, while crying and coughing almost as hard as my 5 week old baby, I volunteered to just go home. We would be fine, I said, I can manage. The doctor looked at me and said, no, and admitted us, and thank God she did. Part of my reasoning was that I was already asking too much of my mom and grandma and I couldn't ask them for more. They jumped at the chance to help, of course, as did my sister and my friends, (my grandma had gotten dressed and driven over at 3am when I called so that I could even go to the ER with the baby in the first place). Just thinking about waking up the toddler and taking her with me to the hospital makes me feel sick but still it took so much to make that call. I hate asking for help.

I followed the kerfuffle surrounding Amanda Palmer's kickstarter and seen her TED talk about asking for help and the artistic exchange, and I had agreed with her. Boybee runs kickstarters for work, so I know that they don't make you rich (you're more likely to lose money on them) and besides, as a fan I would rather my money go to the artist rather than the label. No one gets pissed at the music exec making millions and he's not doing anything that special. In her TED talk, she describes a musician who is uncomfortable passing the hat because "it feels too much like begging" and that resonates with me more than anything else. It feels shameful to ask for anything.

In almost every other aspect of my life, I am shameless. I pop my boob out in public to breastfeed without batting an eye. I've asked for (and gotten!) raises/promotions at work. I ask questions when I don't understand even if it might make me look stupid. If you ask me a personal question about my experiences, 9 times out of 10, I'll answer in as much detail as you will accept. I truly believe that shame is a counter productive emotion.

And yet... I can't ask for help, even when I need it. The past 36 hours have been rough, but I cannot even imagine the hell they would have been if my grandma, mom, and sister hadn't been there to take care of Toddlerbee. So many friends offered help too, though I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to accept any of their offers... One is easy to say no to since she is on the list of folks who we need to avoid because this virus is contagious, but maybe I'll try taking some others up on their offers?

The past 36 hours have been rough, but I don't think I've ever felt more lucky or more loved.

And Fall Passed Quickly By

Fall was super hectic for this PAX widow - Prime and then Australia as a single mom in my third trimester of pregnancy was a little much. We'll see how South and East with a toddler and an infant treat me! Luckily, I have family in town so I'm not actually alone, but things are always easier with two parents.

Babybee 2.0 was born and my abdominal muscles rejoiced! We followed our preset naming conventions - one name for a progenetrix and one for a Star Trek character (though 2.0's name also pays homage to a favorite Marvel character as well as our favorite restaurant).

Halloween was pretty fabulous - I went as the Death Star because Babybee 1.0 wanted to be Darth Vader. My entire life (and by that, I really mean since high school), I have wanted someone to do theme Halloween costumes with me. Boybee is so not into dressing up - he only wears his Spock costume because he has a really nice replica Starfleet Uniform. Since I can't count on my spouse, I had to go and make a whole new person for this. Last year, Babybee 1.0 was Yoda (since we had the costume as a hand-me-down) and I was gender-swapped Han Solo (since the annual Halloween party we go to had the theme of Space). This year, Babybee 1.0 wanted to be Darth Vader and being pregnant, I figured it was the perfect chance to go as the Death Star. I am still sad that I didn't end up making that Padme costume, but oh well.

That's no moon!

Now I have two people with whom to do theme costumes and I am really pumped. It kind of sucks because PAX Australia is going to be over Halloween again in 2015 which means Boybee will once again miss the fun. And, of course, PAX East falls on Purim this year. My favorite holidays just can't win this year.