The Art of Asking

This week, I have been looking to Amanda Palmer for reassurance. Boybee is out of town and both Beebabies are sick (Boybee and I are too, but who's counting?). I had been freaking out about how I was going to handle a toddler and a newborn by myself for a week and Boybee basically had to force me to call my family in for help, and thank God he did.

I hate asking for help. The other night as I was sitting there with my screaming baby in the ER, not having slept at all in the past 24 hours, the doctor said that we could go home or be admitted observation for 24 hours. Immediately, while crying and coughing almost as hard as my 5 week old baby, I volunteered to just go home. We would be fine, I said, I can manage. The doctor looked at me and said, no, and admitted us, and thank God she did. Part of my reasoning was that I was already asking too much of my mom and grandma and I couldn't ask them for more. They jumped at the chance to help, of course, as did my sister and my friends, (my grandma had gotten dressed and driven over at 3am when I called so that I could even go to the ER with the baby in the first place). Just thinking about waking up the toddler and taking her with me to the hospital makes me feel sick but still it took so much to make that call. I hate asking for help.

I followed the kerfuffle surrounding Amanda Palmer's kickstarter and seen her TED talk about asking for help and the artistic exchange, and I had agreed with her. Boybee runs kickstarters for work, so I know that they don't make you rich (you're more likely to lose money on them) and besides, as a fan I would rather my money go to the artist rather than the label. No one gets pissed at the music exec making millions and he's not doing anything that special. In her TED talk, she describes a musician who is uncomfortable passing the hat because "it feels too much like begging" and that resonates with me more than anything else. It feels shameful to ask for anything.

In almost every other aspect of my life, I am shameless. I pop my boob out in public to breastfeed without batting an eye. I've asked for (and gotten!) raises/promotions at work. I ask questions when I don't understand even if it might make me look stupid. If you ask me a personal question about my experiences, 9 times out of 10, I'll answer in as much detail as you will accept. I truly believe that shame is a counter productive emotion.

And yet... I can't ask for help, even when I need it. The past 36 hours have been rough, but I cannot even imagine the hell they would have been if my grandma, mom, and sister hadn't been there to take care of Toddlerbee. So many friends offered help too, though I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to accept any of their offers... One is easy to say no to since she is on the list of folks who we need to avoid because this virus is contagious, but maybe I'll try taking some others up on their offers?

The past 36 hours have been rough, but I don't think I've ever felt more lucky or more loved.