Gender, Sex, Sexuality: The Great Jello-Salad

Gender, sex, and sexuality are in some ways completed separate and in some ways desperately intertwined (along with other concepts relating to reproduction, social norms, and family). I'm not going to get into the 101 or even the 102 stuff; if you want to get a primer, there are some great resources like Scarleteen!

A quick note: my experiences as a queer person have been that my gender, my gender presentation, my sexuality, my romantic inclinations, etc are all pretty fluid. Right now, I'm at the femmest I have ever been in my life and I think it might be a subconscious reaction to the election? Who knows. My experiences are just that, mine; they might be similar to yours, but I don't want to imply that they should be yours. Now, that's out of the way! Onward!

We're in a place in time where we get to sift through words to find the ones that are the most useful. It's exciting and scary. Things can change fast and a word that you find or use now might not mean exactly what you wanted it to mean in a year from now, let alone five or ten years. Words and meanings can change so quickly because we as English speaking humans are working together to define and redefine concepts. Think about a word like "homosexual" which only originated in the late 1800's and which has gone through iterations beginning as a medical term for a pathology, being reclaimed, and moving into a taken for granted dry sort of descriptor. As we come up with better ways to describe our experiences, we hit snags. Words that fit one person might not fit you, and might even hurt you (See example: Eddie Izzard's use of 'transvestite'). You only need to get near Tumblr to find an ever expanding lexicon of gender, sex, sexuality, and the human experience. It's pretty great.

My problem with all of this exciting/scary word creation is that we often get stuck on the gender binary. We often subconsciously imagine gender and sexuality as this 2-dimensional line with masculine on one end and feminine on the other, with heterosexual on one end and homosexual on the other, with female on one end and male on the other, etc. When, in reality, so many of our experiences are not so simple. Even terms like NB/non-binary/enby while great are in reaction to the entrenched nature of the binary in our minds. I prefer to think of gender, sex, sexuality, and all of these deeply personal aspects of our bodies, ourselves, and our families as multi-dimensional and inter-related.

I hereby present the Jello-Salad Theory of Humans. 

Grapes and olives totally go together, right?

You know those Midwestern, 1970's ridiculous jello-salads? Like, green jello + whipped cream + pureed fruit, layered with crushed oreos and cottage cheese, and then maybe some olives and a hot dog thrown in, served with a wheel of brie on the side for some reason?

Yup. That's what I mean. A complex, bizarre, multi-dimensional matrix which humans move through (or which move through us?) over time. 

So, how do we use the Jello-Salad Theory? Consider aspects of Sex - a way of categorizing bodies as they intersect with sexual reproduction, how they look, and how their physiology. There are some parts that are associated with Sex; there are gonads, genitals, hormones, subcutaneous fat deposits, mammary glands, etc. Sometimes there is a binary - e.g. either you have a uterus or you do not - but rarely does that binary truly inform other aspects of your sex. For example you might have a uterus but not menstruate, you might have had a uterus in the past but don't any more, you have a uterus but not be capable of and/or interested in pregnancy, etc. While having a uterus is associated with being female which is associated with being a woman, it's not a prerequisite or a defining factor. Even something that seems like it's a simple binary (having or not having a body part), is more complicated. The way we experience our bodies is rarely simple. 

Bodies are only a part of your jello-salad. Consider aspects of gender, gender identity and gender presentation. Consider sexuality from the different lens of sexual attraction, romantic love, social attraction, and social belonging, just to name a few. There are more aspects to the way we are than I could possibly name.

Rarely simple.

Imagine your own jello-salad. Consider the ever changing shared touch-points that impact you and which you impact through our shared project of living in our own bodies and sharing in/creating our society. Some of these touch-points are things like who you are sexually attracted to, if you feel sexual attraction at all, how you present yourself to the world, how you feel inside, physical realities of your body (e.g. menstruation), or how you are treated by others (e.g. the male-gaze). Some of the things that make up your jello-salad will be pretty standard, some will be completely unique. You and I might share some aspects, but not others. There is no one way to put your jello-salad together - it could be layered, it could be emulsified, it could be a combo of those things! There might be garnishes, it might be in a cool shape, it could be savory, sweet, sour, or all of the above.

Look at all of the options!

I think my jello-salad is probably sweet - it's defined by my desire to be a mother, my laziness, my experience of sexual attraction and my experience of my love and ideas about family. I think there is definitely a layer of crushed pretzels for crunch and a bit of saltiness. Generally, I'd say it's delicious. How about yours?