Assorted Thoughts on Getting Married Young

People who know me and anyone who's read my posts here know that I got married young. At  just barely 21 years-old, I legally bond my life, finances, and fate to another person, who I had known for just under 2 years at that time.

My mother also got married young, the first time. She married my dad at 19 and then left him and filed for divorce almost exactly 10 years later. When I told my dad that I was engaged and wanted to plan a wedding with someone who I'd been dating for only 6 months, I could see the wheels in his head turning. I could tell that he was looking at me and seeing a depressing potential future. But, he asked me if I was sure, and he trusted me. He helped me plan, and he paid for a wedding. His only reservation was that, in a grand tradition of my family, I was marrying someone of a different ethnic and religious background and my dad wanted to be sure that my fiance understood that any future children would be raised Jewish.

Babies Under the Chupa

Most other people were not nearly so supportive. Lot's of folks made quips about my "first marriage", my in-laws only decided to come to the wedding last minute and though they've never said anything, I'm sure they only came so that when we ultimately got divorced, they'd be able to say 'I told you so'. Even today when talking to coworkers or acquaintances, the topic of foolish young people getting married before they're 25, 30, or evening 35 often comes up; usually from folks who have a divorce under their belt.

I've been watching an internet acquaintance go through a divorce on social media recently and she posted something that stuck with me; she said that one of the hardest things about getting divorced was that as someone who got married young, she'd invested a lot of herself in being the "young marriage that worked". After years of people giving you you'll-see looks, and telling you that you're making a poor choice, it becomes part of your identity; you wear your I'll-show-you armor and hold your that's-just-your-opinion-because-you-are-unhappy shield and feel comforted that you did in fact make a good choice. That you made the best choice for you.



A marriage ending is not a failure, but there's all those years of people's voices in your head just waiting to say "I told you so" and that's a shitty feeling to compound upon the unhappiness and discomfort of change. About half of the people I know my age who have been married have been divorced (or are divorcing). Honestly? That sucks but on the other hand, it's pretty great. They were able to make the best choices for themselves at the time. They had experiences that made them stronger. And, they had the legal protections to (mostly) safe guard their financial futures; something one coworker wished she'd had when she got saddled co-owning a house with her ex-boyfriend.

Getting married young allowed me to have kids young and seeing how quickly my body appears to be deteriorating, I feel like that was definitely for the best. Being married young allowed me to make choices like going to grad school that might not have otherwise been financially feasible. It allowed me to amass wealth I might not have otherwise acquired, and plan a life with roots and freedom that having a partner should facilitate. It was the right choice for me at the time. Being in a relationship should always be a choice, and for me it is, a choice that I am happily making every day.

Too young to buy booze!

Married for 10 Years

I am moving from a desire to be one of the ones "that worked" or being a "shining example" of a young marriage, to just being happy that I've been able to make my own choices, and trying my darnedest to be supportive of others in making the choices that are best for them.

Even as a supremely judgey person, I find myself wishing that more people would chill the judgmental attitude when the hear about a friend making a choice - you'll-sees and I-told-you-sos might feel good at the time, but they could keep a friend from reaching out to you or even making the next choice for themselves in the future.