On the plane last night, I was chatting with the guy sitting next to me. He was mid-60's, white, highly educated, and wore cuff-links while writing a blog post about sulfur dioxide.
We were bonding over a shared love of algebra (don't judge!) and I told him about how now that my 5 year old can spell, I'm trying to get my husband to send coded messages, encrypted with matrices by hand, with me. (I am great at small talk and normal human anecdotes!) And he laughs and says:
"Isn't everything women say to men a coded message?"
Friends, I made a face that could have cut glass. He quickly back pedals saying "That's what the comedians say anyway"
"Those comedians who are now getting fired for sexually harassing and assaulting women?" I say as his smile fades. "I'm pretty sure those messages weren't coded."
He looks down, then back at me and says "Yeah... I guess not."
We went on to have an engaging conversation ranging from Tesla to childrearing. And... I think it made a difference. I hope it did.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Friday, June 2, 2017
Assorted Thoughts on Getting Married Young
People who know me and anyone who's read my posts here know that I got married young. At just barely 21 years-old, I legally bond my life, finances, and fate to another person, who I had known for just under 2 years at that time.
My mother also got married young, the first time. She married my dad at 19 and then left him and filed for divorce almost exactly 10 years later. When I told my dad that I was engaged and wanted to plan a wedding with someone who I'd been dating for only 6 months, I could see the wheels in his head turning. I could tell that he was looking at me and seeing a depressing potential future. But, he asked me if I was sure, and he trusted me. He helped me plan, and he paid for a wedding. His only reservation was that, in a grand tradition of my family, I was marrying someone of a different ethnic and religious background and my dad wanted to be sure that my fiance understood that any future children would be raised Jewish.
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| Babies Under the Chupa |
I've been watching an internet acquaintance go through a divorce on social media recently and she posted something that stuck with me; she said that one of the hardest things about getting divorced was that as someone who got married young, she'd invested a lot of herself in being the "young marriage that worked". After years of people giving you you'll-see looks, and telling you that you're making a poor choice, it becomes part of your identity; you wear your I'll-show-you armor and hold your that's-just-your-opinion-because-you-are-unhappy shield and feel comforted that you did in fact make a good choice. That you made the best choice for you.
A marriage ending is not a failure, but there's all those years of people's voices in your head just waiting to say "I told you so" and that's a shitty feeling to compound upon the unhappiness and discomfort of change. About half of the people I know my age who have been married have been divorced (or are divorcing). Honestly? That sucks but on the other hand, it's pretty great. They were able to make the best choices for themselves at the time. They had experiences that made them stronger. And, they had the legal protections to (mostly) safe guard their financial futures; something one coworker wished she'd had when she got saddled co-owning a house with her ex-boyfriend.
Getting married young allowed me to have kids young and seeing how quickly my body appears to be deteriorating, I feel like that was definitely for the best. Being married young allowed me to make choices like going to grad school that might not have otherwise been financially feasible. It allowed me to amass wealth I might not have otherwise acquired, and plan a life with roots and freedom that having a partner should facilitate. It was the right choice for me at the time. Being in a relationship should always be a choice, and for me it is, a choice that I am happily making every day.
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| Too young to buy booze! |
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| Married for 10 Years |
Even as a supremely judgey person, I find myself wishing that more people would chill the judgmental attitude when the hear about a friend making a choice - you'll-sees and I-told-you-sos might feel good at the time, but they could keep a friend from reaching out to you or even making the next choice for themselves in the future.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Gender, Sex, Sexuality: The Great Jello-Salad
Gender, sex, and sexuality are in some ways completed separate and in some ways desperately intertwined (along with other concepts relating to reproduction, social norms, and family). I'm not going to get into the 101 or even the 102 stuff; if you want to get a primer, there are some great resources like Scarleteen!
A quick note: my experiences as a queer person have been that my gender, my gender presentation, my sexuality, my romantic inclinations, etc are all pretty fluid. Right now, I'm at the femmest I have ever been in my life and I think it might be a subconscious reaction to the election? Who knows. My experiences are just that, mine; they might be similar to yours, but I don't want to imply that they should be yours. Now, that's out of the way! Onward!
We're in a place in time where we get to sift through words to find the ones that are the most useful. It's exciting and scary. Things can change fast and a word that you find or use now might not mean exactly what you wanted it to mean in a year from now, let alone five or ten years. Words and meanings can change so quickly because we as English speaking humans are working together to define and redefine concepts. Think about a word like "homosexual" which only originated in the late 1800's and which has gone through iterations beginning as a medical term for a pathology, being reclaimed, and moving into a taken for granted dry sort of descriptor. As we come up with better ways to describe our experiences, we hit snags. Words that fit one person might not fit you, and might even hurt you (See example: Eddie Izzard's use of 'transvestite'). You only need to get near Tumblr to find an ever expanding lexicon of gender, sex, sexuality, and the human experience. It's pretty great.
My problem with all of this exciting/scary word creation is that we often get stuck on the gender binary. We often subconsciously imagine gender and sexuality as this 2-dimensional line with masculine on one end and feminine on the other, with heterosexual on one end and homosexual on the other, with female on one end and male on the other, etc. When, in reality, so many of our experiences are not so simple. Even terms like NB/non-binary/enby while great are in reaction to the entrenched nature of the binary in our minds. I prefer to think of gender, sex, sexuality, and all of these deeply personal aspects of our bodies, ourselves, and our families as multi-dimensional and inter-related.
I hereby present the Jello-Salad Theory of Humans.
You know those Midwestern, 1970's ridiculous jello-salads? Like, green jello + whipped cream + pureed fruit, layered with crushed oreos and cottage cheese, and then maybe some olives and a hot dog thrown in, served with a wheel of brie on the side for some reason?
Yup. That's what I mean. A complex, bizarre, multi-dimensional matrix which humans move through (or which move through us?) over time.
So, how do we use the Jello-Salad Theory? Consider aspects of Sex - a way of categorizing bodies as they intersect with sexual reproduction, how they look, and how their physiology. There are some parts that are associated with Sex; there are gonads, genitals, hormones, subcutaneous fat deposits, mammary glands, etc. Sometimes there is a binary - e.g. either you have a uterus or you do not - but rarely does that binary truly inform other aspects of your sex. For example you might have a uterus but not menstruate, you might have had a uterus in the past but don't any more, you have a uterus but not be capable of and/or interested in pregnancy, etc. While having a uterus is associated with being female which is associated with being a woman, it's not a prerequisite or a defining factor. Even something that seems like it's a simple binary (having or not having a body part), is more complicated. The way we experience our bodies is rarely simple.
Bodies are only a part of your jello-salad. Consider aspects of gender, gender identity and gender presentation. Consider sexuality from the different lens of sexual attraction, romantic love, social attraction, and social belonging, just to name a few. There are more aspects to the way we are than I could possibly name.
Imagine your own jello-salad. Consider the ever changing shared touch-points that impact you and which you impact through our shared project of living in our own bodies and sharing in/creating our society. Some of these touch-points are things like who you are sexually attracted to, if you feel sexual attraction at all, how you present yourself to the world, how you feel inside, physical realities of your body (e.g. menstruation), or how you are treated by others (e.g. the male-gaze). Some of the things that make up your jello-salad will be pretty standard, some will be completely unique. You and I might share some aspects, but not others. There is no one way to put your jello-salad together - it could be layered, it could be emulsified, it could be a combo of those things! There might be garnishes, it might be in a cool shape, it could be savory, sweet, sour, or all of the above.
I think my jello-salad is probably sweet - it's defined by my desire to be a mother, my laziness, my experience of sexual attraction and my experience of my love and ideas about family. I think there is definitely a layer of crushed pretzels for crunch and a bit of saltiness. Generally, I'd say it's delicious. How about yours?
A quick note: my experiences as a queer person have been that my gender, my gender presentation, my sexuality, my romantic inclinations, etc are all pretty fluid. Right now, I'm at the femmest I have ever been in my life and I think it might be a subconscious reaction to the election? Who knows. My experiences are just that, mine; they might be similar to yours, but I don't want to imply that they should be yours. Now, that's out of the way! Onward!
We're in a place in time where we get to sift through words to find the ones that are the most useful. It's exciting and scary. Things can change fast and a word that you find or use now might not mean exactly what you wanted it to mean in a year from now, let alone five or ten years. Words and meanings can change so quickly because we as English speaking humans are working together to define and redefine concepts. Think about a word like "homosexual" which only originated in the late 1800's and which has gone through iterations beginning as a medical term for a pathology, being reclaimed, and moving into a taken for granted dry sort of descriptor. As we come up with better ways to describe our experiences, we hit snags. Words that fit one person might not fit you, and might even hurt you (See example: Eddie Izzard's use of 'transvestite'). You only need to get near Tumblr to find an ever expanding lexicon of gender, sex, sexuality, and the human experience. It's pretty great.
My problem with all of this exciting/scary word creation is that we often get stuck on the gender binary. We often subconsciously imagine gender and sexuality as this 2-dimensional line with masculine on one end and feminine on the other, with heterosexual on one end and homosexual on the other, with female on one end and male on the other, etc. When, in reality, so many of our experiences are not so simple. Even terms like NB/non-binary/enby while great are in reaction to the entrenched nature of the binary in our minds. I prefer to think of gender, sex, sexuality, and all of these deeply personal aspects of our bodies, ourselves, and our families as multi-dimensional and inter-related.
I hereby present the Jello-Salad Theory of Humans.
 |
| Grapes and olives totally go together, right? |
Yup. That's what I mean. A complex, bizarre, multi-dimensional matrix which humans move through (or which move through us?) over time.
So, how do we use the Jello-Salad Theory? Consider aspects of Sex - a way of categorizing bodies as they intersect with sexual reproduction, how they look, and how their physiology. There are some parts that are associated with Sex; there are gonads, genitals, hormones, subcutaneous fat deposits, mammary glands, etc. Sometimes there is a binary - e.g. either you have a uterus or you do not - but rarely does that binary truly inform other aspects of your sex. For example you might have a uterus but not menstruate, you might have had a uterus in the past but don't any more, you have a uterus but not be capable of and/or interested in pregnancy, etc. While having a uterus is associated with being female which is associated with being a woman, it's not a prerequisite or a defining factor. Even something that seems like it's a simple binary (having or not having a body part), is more complicated. The way we experience our bodies is rarely simple.
Bodies are only a part of your jello-salad. Consider aspects of gender, gender identity and gender presentation. Consider sexuality from the different lens of sexual attraction, romantic love, social attraction, and social belonging, just to name a few. There are more aspects to the way we are than I could possibly name.
 |
| Rarely simple. |
Imagine your own jello-salad. Consider the ever changing shared touch-points that impact you and which you impact through our shared project of living in our own bodies and sharing in/creating our society. Some of these touch-points are things like who you are sexually attracted to, if you feel sexual attraction at all, how you present yourself to the world, how you feel inside, physical realities of your body (e.g. menstruation), or how you are treated by others (e.g. the male-gaze). Some of the things that make up your jello-salad will be pretty standard, some will be completely unique. You and I might share some aspects, but not others. There is no one way to put your jello-salad together - it could be layered, it could be emulsified, it could be a combo of those things! There might be garnishes, it might be in a cool shape, it could be savory, sweet, sour, or all of the above.
 |
| Look at all of the options! |
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Hidden Figures: It Was So Good, Go See It Now
Hidden Figures was SO good. I want you to make a plan to see it and buy some tickets online before reading the rest of this post it was so good. Not really spoiling anything but I will discuss overall themes, caveat emptor.
The acting and the pacing were perfect. The guy who played Remy from House of Cards, Mahershala Ali, is in it and totally dreamy. Taraji P. Henson both stands out and is completely transformed into her role. She makes a woman who's smarter than Einstein and who fought racism and sexism and won feel like an every-woman. Each of the women has a family; they're wives, daughters, mothers, girlfriends, but that's not what's central to their being our their character arcs. It's refreshing (and the love interest, Ali, is so dreamy that I won't even comment that she needed to have a love interest and, more importantly, because Black folks in love is unnecessarily novel in movies and should be depicted more often).
The soundtrack is amazing - not only are there catchy tunes, but the music is used in the film so well to advance the story. Pharrell Williams wrote the soundtrack and was one of the producers and his artistry shows through gorgeously.
One impressive part of this film that I really didn't expect was how relatable the math was. They explain what they're doing and why it's hard. They show what math means in space flight. This movie made me care about mathematical principles in a way that Apollo 13 or A Beautiful Mind or whatever never could.
They didn't shy away from the realities of segregation and the violence. (Not all the realities, it's PG/evening news level of disturbing). But the focus is on the everyday racism from 'nice' white people (who mostly redeem themselves...). The antagonists all say a variation on 'this is just how it is' and that's what makes them bad guys, the good guys are the ones taking actionable steps to making things better or cheering on the three protagonists as they fight for themselves, for each other, and for their entire race AND gender.
The part I'm still chewing on is the white redemption. One of the antagonists has a whole arc around their being an ass who gets in the way of the protagonists full circle to being a champion. I felt like it was presented as a fantasy of the oppressed and disrespected woman and... I don't want to begrudge anyone their cinematic fantasy. It does give the white audience a place to point to and say 'ah yes, that is how it /was/ and now it's better' though in a way that is uncomfortable. But maybe I'm reading too much into it? Maybe that's just good storytelling? It certainly was a good story.
Similarly, as in real life, the women rely on white men for credibility and that's the source of power in the film (white women act as conduits for white men's power). My only complaint was that the movie just accepted it and didn't challenge it or even call it out. I could into detail about this but I don't want to spoil plot points or make myself angry before bed, so I'm going with feeling resigned... Nothing is perfect and if that's my complaint? You know I'm digging to say something critical (because what main stream movie has ever done differently?).
Did you see it yet? What did you think?
The acting and the pacing were perfect. The guy who played Remy from House of Cards, Mahershala Ali, is in it and totally dreamy. Taraji P. Henson both stands out and is completely transformed into her role. She makes a woman who's smarter than Einstein and who fought racism and sexism and won feel like an every-woman. Each of the women has a family; they're wives, daughters, mothers, girlfriends, but that's not what's central to their being our their character arcs. It's refreshing (and the love interest, Ali, is so dreamy that I won't even comment that she needed to have a love interest and, more importantly, because Black folks in love is unnecessarily novel in movies and should be depicted more often).
The soundtrack is amazing - not only are there catchy tunes, but the music is used in the film so well to advance the story. Pharrell Williams wrote the soundtrack and was one of the producers and his artistry shows through gorgeously.
One impressive part of this film that I really didn't expect was how relatable the math was. They explain what they're doing and why it's hard. They show what math means in space flight. This movie made me care about mathematical principles in a way that Apollo 13 or A Beautiful Mind or whatever never could.
They didn't shy away from the realities of segregation and the violence. (Not all the realities, it's PG/evening news level of disturbing). But the focus is on the everyday racism from 'nice' white people (who mostly redeem themselves...). The antagonists all say a variation on 'this is just how it is' and that's what makes them bad guys, the good guys are the ones taking actionable steps to making things better or cheering on the three protagonists as they fight for themselves, for each other, and for their entire race AND gender.
The part I'm still chewing on is the white redemption. One of the antagonists has a whole arc around their being an ass who gets in the way of the protagonists full circle to being a champion. I felt like it was presented as a fantasy of the oppressed and disrespected woman and... I don't want to begrudge anyone their cinematic fantasy. It does give the white audience a place to point to and say 'ah yes, that is how it /was/ and now it's better' though in a way that is uncomfortable. But maybe I'm reading too much into it? Maybe that's just good storytelling? It certainly was a good story.
Similarly, as in real life, the women rely on white men for credibility and that's the source of power in the film (white women act as conduits for white men's power). My only complaint was that the movie just accepted it and didn't challenge it or even call it out. I could into detail about this but I don't want to spoil plot points or make myself angry before bed, so I'm going with feeling resigned... Nothing is perfect and if that's my complaint? You know I'm digging to say something critical (because what main stream movie has ever done differently?).
Did you see it yet? What did you think?
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
On Bra Sizes
Recently I saw the following meme and I felt some feelings.
One of the grand common threads that unite all women (on my facebook feed) is that none of use can find bras that we like, are flattering, fit well, and are easily accessible within our paltry clothing budgets.
What gives bra manufacturers? Don't you want our $30? APPARENTLY NOT. Don't even start with the idea that 3-4 INCHES of fabric should add $50+ to the price of a bra. I shop at JoAnns, I know how much fabric costs and you can buy it wholesale.
It's not just big boobs vs small boobs as this meme suggests either.
G-d forbid if you're not in one of the four cup sizes VS sells. Smaller than a B cup? Get some weird ugly padding or Hello Kitty! Bigger than a D? Drive out into the boonies to a specialty shop to buy a boring ugly bra for $80+ OR settle for a 40D or some other nonsense that will give you back pain and make you look weird in your work clothes because you really should be wearing a 34G/H that no one will sell you. I say this as the lady in a $80, sort of ugly 36F because even the fancy specially bra shop a half an hour drive away didn't carry any 34G/H bras. (Yes, the internet exists, but it takes just as long to measure yourself, order something, and send it back because the sizes are meaningless and it still doesn't fit. At least driving out to the bra store is something I can do while leaving Toddler and Preschooler home with their daddy and thus has the added benefit of feeling like "self-care").
And, neither my body nor my breasts are even that big. Like, you don't look at me and think 'she has huge tits!' I look sort of average which is usually a huge privilege, but when it comes to women's clothing, even the whitest, thinnest, C-cuppiest of us don't get nice things, sizing that means anything, or pockets.
 |
| Can I get an Amen?! |
What gives bra manufacturers? Don't you want our $30? APPARENTLY NOT. Don't even start with the idea that 3-4 INCHES of fabric should add $50+ to the price of a bra. I shop at JoAnns, I know how much fabric costs and you can buy it wholesale.
It's not just big boobs vs small boobs as this meme suggests either.
G-d forbid if you're not in one of the four cup sizes VS sells. Smaller than a B cup? Get some weird ugly padding or Hello Kitty! Bigger than a D? Drive out into the boonies to a specialty shop to buy a boring ugly bra for $80+ OR settle for a 40D or some other nonsense that will give you back pain and make you look weird in your work clothes because you really should be wearing a 34G/H that no one will sell you. I say this as the lady in a $80, sort of ugly 36F because even the fancy specially bra shop a half an hour drive away didn't carry any 34G/H bras. (Yes, the internet exists, but it takes just as long to measure yourself, order something, and send it back because the sizes are meaningless and it still doesn't fit. At least driving out to the bra store is something I can do while leaving Toddler and Preschooler home with their daddy and thus has the added benefit of feeling like "self-care").
And, neither my body nor my breasts are even that big. Like, you don't look at me and think 'she has huge tits!' I look sort of average which is usually a huge privilege, but when it comes to women's clothing, even the whitest, thinnest, C-cuppiest of us don't get nice things, sizing that means anything, or pockets.
Posting some stuff!
Friends,
I have decided that I sometimes put a lot of effort into writing comments on people's facebook pages, because... I'm not really sure? Instant gratification? Social Pressure? I'm a person with a smart phone? It's a mystery.
Suffice it to say, I'm gonna start posting some of that shit here and y'all are gonna like it. (Or not... Whatevs)
So, happy new year! Watch this space for random tidbits and feel free to bother me if you see my fabulous diatribes elsewhere.
I have decided that I sometimes put a lot of effort into writing comments on people's facebook pages, because... I'm not really sure? Instant gratification? Social Pressure? I'm a person with a smart phone? It's a mystery.
Suffice it to say, I'm gonna start posting some of that shit here and y'all are gonna like it. (Or not... Whatevs)
So, happy new year! Watch this space for random tidbits and feel free to bother me if you see my fabulous diatribes elsewhere.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
On Being an Urban Sprouts Family
 |
| Ellicia being introduced |
My daughters' school recently broke ground on their new building and the Center's Director, Ellicia, asked me to speak from the perspective of a parent. Here is the text of my remarks:
When Ellicia asked me if I'd say a few words on what it means to be an Urban Sprouts family, I knew the answer immediately. Being an Urban Sprouts family means being a member of a diverse, loving community where each individual is respected and valued.
The teachers are highly trained and skilled professionals who partner with parents in our shared goals of raising inquisitive children who can confidently make a difference in the world knowing their own worth and respecting the value of others.
Parenting is hard. There are so many choices, so many expectations, so much judgement, and it's all on you to not mess it up. They say 'it takes a village to raise a child' but they never tell you where to find your "village" and so many families are left isolated.
Urban Sprouts lives their values of diversity and community by bringing families together for fellowship at every opportunity. In addition to annual events like the chili cook off and the cultural picnic, there are little things like tastings of snacks the children prepare with fresh herbs and produce from the school's garden and curriculum nights where parents work together with their children on crafts.
These events and the community spirit that they foster don't just happen. It takes time, it takes money, it takes intentionality and a great deal of effort. For that, I'm extremely grateful to Ellicia Qualls, Andrea Barragan, and all of the Urban Sprouts teachers.
It takes a village to raise a child and Urban Sprouts is a crucial part of my family's village.
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