Dachau Or My Feelings After the 2016 Election

Work Sets You Free.
The gate to the Nazi concentration camp, Dachau in southern Germany.

In 2002, I was an exchange-student at Ohm Gymnasium in Erlangen, Germany. We went on a field trip to Dachau, a concentration camp. On the bus on the way there, they assured me not that many Jews were sent to their deaths at this particular camp. 

This was mostly a concentration camp for gays and socialists. 

I think they told me this to help me feel more comfortable.

I walked around with some of my friends from class and as we were leaving one of the German kids, I think his name was Manny, handed me a piece of chocolate.

I was ugly-crying and could barely speak, but I felt like that piece of chocolate meant something. It felt important.

We got back in the bus and started driving back. As we drove up the hill, I looked out the window and noted the charming German houses with their cute little flower-boxes built in the eighteen-hundreds and earlier. 

Then, I looked out the window. 

From the bus I could see over the walls and into the camp. From the road, I could see the barracks that they had a rebuilt as a museum. In my imagination, I superimposed the pictures of grotesque human suffering perpetrated in that concentration camp some sixty years ago onto the quaint, well-manicured museum grounds there today.

It was those flowers. The flowers in the front yards and the cute little picturesque flower-boxes that struck me. 

From those windows, while tending those flowers, the people who lived in those houses could see into the camp.

They could always see. 

I thought how? How could people wake up every morning and see that out their bedroom window? 

I realize now in 2016, that I really don't want to find out. 

Fast Forward

It's been almost two years since I last updated this blog! In that time, BeeToddler has become BeePreschooler (she loves DC Super Hero Girls, My Little Pony, The Hobbit and all things adventuring, especially maps and treasure) and BeeBaby has become BeeToddler 2.0!

BoyBee mentioned that he likes to read my writing and that I don't share it enough recently, so... I'm back. Going to try to do this and stick with it since it makes me happy and maybe it will make you happy too person who is probably FaceBook/Twitter friends with me anyway.

The Art of Asking

This week, I have been looking to Amanda Palmer for reassurance. Boybee is out of town and both Beebabies are sick (Boybee and I are too, but who's counting?). I had been freaking out about how I was going to handle a toddler and a newborn by myself for a week and Boybee basically had to force me to call my family in for help, and thank God he did.

I hate asking for help. The other night as I was sitting there with my screaming baby in the ER, not having slept at all in the past 24 hours, the doctor said that we could go home or be admitted observation for 24 hours. Immediately, while crying and coughing almost as hard as my 5 week old baby, I volunteered to just go home. We would be fine, I said, I can manage. The doctor looked at me and said, no, and admitted us, and thank God she did. Part of my reasoning was that I was already asking too much of my mom and grandma and I couldn't ask them for more. They jumped at the chance to help, of course, as did my sister and my friends, (my grandma had gotten dressed and driven over at 3am when I called so that I could even go to the ER with the baby in the first place). Just thinking about waking up the toddler and taking her with me to the hospital makes me feel sick but still it took so much to make that call. I hate asking for help.

I followed the kerfuffle surrounding Amanda Palmer's kickstarter and seen her TED talk about asking for help and the artistic exchange, and I had agreed with her. Boybee runs kickstarters for work, so I know that they don't make you rich (you're more likely to lose money on them) and besides, as a fan I would rather my money go to the artist rather than the label. No one gets pissed at the music exec making millions and he's not doing anything that special. In her TED talk, she describes a musician who is uncomfortable passing the hat because "it feels too much like begging" and that resonates with me more than anything else. It feels shameful to ask for anything.

In almost every other aspect of my life, I am shameless. I pop my boob out in public to breastfeed without batting an eye. I've asked for (and gotten!) raises/promotions at work. I ask questions when I don't understand even if it might make me look stupid. If you ask me a personal question about my experiences, 9 times out of 10, I'll answer in as much detail as you will accept. I truly believe that shame is a counter productive emotion.

And yet... I can't ask for help, even when I need it. The past 36 hours have been rough, but I cannot even imagine the hell they would have been if my grandma, mom, and sister hadn't been there to take care of Toddlerbee. So many friends offered help too, though I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to accept any of their offers... One is easy to say no to since she is on the list of folks who we need to avoid because this virus is contagious, but maybe I'll try taking some others up on their offers?

The past 36 hours have been rough, but I don't think I've ever felt more lucky or more loved.

And Fall Passed Quickly By

Fall was super hectic for this PAX widow - Prime and then Australia as a single mom in my third trimester of pregnancy was a little much. We'll see how South and East with a toddler and an infant treat me! Luckily, I have family in town so I'm not actually alone, but things are always easier with two parents.

Babybee 2.0 was born and my abdominal muscles rejoiced! We followed our preset naming conventions - one name for a progenetrix and one for a Star Trek character (though 2.0's name also pays homage to a favorite Marvel character as well as our favorite restaurant).

Halloween was pretty fabulous - I went as the Death Star because Babybee 1.0 wanted to be Darth Vader. My entire life (and by that, I really mean since high school), I have wanted someone to do theme Halloween costumes with me. Boybee is so not into dressing up - he only wears his Spock costume because he has a really nice replica Starfleet Uniform. Since I can't count on my spouse, I had to go and make a whole new person for this. Last year, Babybee 1.0 was Yoda (since we had the costume as a hand-me-down) and I was gender-swapped Han Solo (since the annual Halloween party we go to had the theme of Space). This year, Babybee 1.0 wanted to be Darth Vader and being pregnant, I figured it was the perfect chance to go as the Death Star. I am still sad that I didn't end up making that Padme costume, but oh well.

That's no moon!

Now I have two people with whom to do theme costumes and I am really pumped. It kind of sucks because PAX Australia is going to be over Halloween again in 2015 which means Boybee will once again miss the fun. And, of course, PAX East falls on Purim this year. My favorite holidays just can't win this year. 

I was going to post about GenCon

So, GenCon was last week and I went and it was good. I was going to post about it Monday evening but then I got the news that a a not-so-close friend of mine died in a car accident that afternoon and... it's just been a week around here in Bee-ville.

I also haven't had the heart to post about what's going on in Ferguson and my beloved St. Louis. You've probably heard everything everyone else has to say about it by now, so I wont start except that I just hope that constructive dialogue about race, economic justice, and the militarization of local police forces comes out of this and that that dialogue leads to real change.

I should say something pleasant though, because I need more joy in my world right now... So! GenCon was a blast. I hung out with many SeaMonkeys - folks who all know each other from attending the Jonathan Coulton JoCo Cruise Crazy cruise every winter. I've never been, but a bunch of my friends go, so I hung out with them and their friends and made friends! It was good. I played a few games but wasn't super impressed with any of them except for this one German kids' game that I might get for Babybee. The best part was that Boybee and I got to go on a date and I finally saw Guardians of the Galaxy. I know, I know. I said I wasn't so sure that I would care about this one, but man. Marvel really knows how to make a film! I've been listening to the soundtrack on loop quite a bit this week - it's been calming and comforting.

I leave you all with this:

Lucy

Tl;Dr Version of this post: Lucy has gotten really mixed reviews, but I'd argue this is because of poor marketing decisions. It's a campy sci-fi action movie but it's pretty low on action - there is basically no face-kicking and I was primed by the trailers to see some face-kicking and way more "serious" sci-fi. Other than that let down, it was highly enjoyable and entertaining. This movie sort of kind of meets the Bechdel Test if you squint at it.

Now the long version - SPOILERS AHEAD

Random Things!

There was this FB meme going around, so I'm going to share my answers here too! Also, for those who care, I ended up buying some sea foam green leggings and already have the tunic cut out for my GenCon Padme costume! Hooray!

8 Random Things About Me!
1. I don't like odd numbers and prime numbers feel weird to me... like chalk. I've tested it and the weird prime feeling doesn't extend to the bazillion digit primes, but I think that's because those don't scan as single numbers to (they're more like ID numbers at that point).
2. I have had a "best friend" for as long as I can remember and am never without one, though the person who carries the title changes every so often.
3. I am not a kid person, but I have always known that I wanted to be a mother. I feel supremely lucky that I was able to secure a partner who is an excellent co-parent and that so far we have been successfully fertile together.
4. I generally only have one leisure activity that I do regularly at a time - I'll go months where I only read in my free time, and then months where I only sew, then months where I watch movies, etc.
5. I have only once successfully kept a plant alive through it's entire life cycle (an African Violet from my wedding).
6. My favorite color is and has always been purple, all shades.
7. I love gender and drag. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that other people do not usually deliberately choose their gender identity, and generally only do when they're not "cis." I love "being a girl" but would be just as happy (maybe happier?) "being a boy" - the tipping point for me was that I'm heteroromantic and wanted to use my uterus to make people; outwardly identifying as a girl/woman makes those things much easier. I often think that the world would be a better place if more people reflected openly on their own gender identity.
8. 8 is favorite number and always has been, I also really like 4.